The kind of rest you seek, you will find not from sleeping but from waking.” – A Course In Miracles
Did you see the moon last night as it started to peek over the horizon? I did. When the sight of the oddly shaped, enormous moon, hit me, I nearly wrecked my car. The scene electrified me. My heart raced. I felt drawn to it. I pulled to the side of the road like a drunk driver, turned off my lights and tried to take a few pictures. There were so many street lights and cars, my iPhone did not do it justice. I drove fast to get away from the lights while the monstrous moon rose higher and became smaller. I found a dirt road, pulled off, and took some more photos. Something about that moon excited and charged me. It had an energy, a life force that drew me to it….I almost cried. It was huge when I first saw it but it became right sized as it reached further into the sky. It’s morning now and I see it on the other side of my house, in early morning daylight. It looks diminished but still beautiful.
I felt tired for a long time. As a child, I recall sleepiness creeping up my neck and behind my eyes. If I could only sleep. As a college student, naps were vital to my survival. As an adult, I mostly muddled through, collapsing on the weekends to excess food and television. When I had time without my children, I needed to rest. When I had a good week at work, rest was the celebration. When going through a terrible trial…..or trials…..I thought, If I could only get some rest, I would figure this one out. I just need rest.
I used the need for rest as an escape. As a sedative to not see what I was seeing, not feel what I was feeling, and to not do what I needed to be doing. I just literally stepped out of life for a restful period of time. As I felt life swirl around me, I stood in the center carrying the weight of the world on my back, my arms, my neck, my legs, and who wouldn’t be tired from that?
Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of spiritual work. Yes, I said spiritual work. It does not come without effort on my part. I learned that I can’t stand in the center and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am not that powerful. I can’t make life perfect for my children, myself, my extended family, the neighborhood, the community, and yes the world! I literally visualize myself taking a heavy backpack off my back and giving it to God. I feel the energy flow in. I am awakening to God.
At times, I fall back on I need rest in an escapist way. It is utterly nonsensical. Last week, I worked so hard. I gave ten presentations, met with five new companies, made goals for over 100 donors and took care of my son, made meals, went to a choir concert, dealt with a adult-child situation and much more. On Friday, night, I had the choice to go to a small, intimate jazz concert or to go home. Guess what I chose? Against my own intelligent thinking, I chose to go by the grocery store, grab some ice-cream because – hey I deserved it, plop down on the couch and watch a movie.
When Saturday came around, I argued with myself all day about going to a charitable reception that night because hey, I have the weekend to myself and I needed rest….right? Well, one thing I’m working on is keeping my word. I R.S.V.P’d for the reception so by God I went. The reception was wonderful, I met some new lovely people, became completely inspired at the work of an amazing photographer from New York who takes beautiful photos of children who live with disabilities. Then…….on the way home, the moon romanced me. I gave thanks that I did not inappropriately “sleep” last night. The unexpected reward inspired me. As I continue to awaken, I look forward to many, many more moons.